(Voiceover: In a world... where there is still a world in which to have voiceovers...)

Such is the magic of crossing the international date line that here in Fiji, it is September 9. The following revelations naturally follow:

* the new iPhone has already been announced, and my future self is already camping out for the privilege of throwing another ~$800(*) at Apple even though they seriously double-crossed me by not providing a "pause" mechanism in the iOS version of the iCloud Photo Library settings page (at least, as far as i can tell by applying my eyes, common sense (#moreuncommonthanyouthink), and the gigantically almost useless pile of stinkingly SEO-clogged Search-Engine-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) and thus blowing through an outrageous number of Vodafone-supplied GiggleBytes of data whilst travelling
* I get to "double dip" on my birthday -- celebrated most magically yesterday here in Fiji on the 8th (village visit! kava ceremony!! just another day for you and me (but mostly me) in paradise!!!) and a sweet sweet encore again today while it's mah birf-day in the States (pretty sure this also means i get to Benjamin Button the shit out of life and turn 24 again)[just kidding! that's *totally* my age!! #seemslegit]
* From my extensive understanding of the spacetime continuum i believe i will somehow have an opportunity to kill baby Hitler while we're in the air on this most auspicious 48-hour day
* As well as, quite obviously, becoming my own grandpa (via the transitive property of the slippery slope of gay marriage [LEGALIZE(d) IT!], there is mysteriously a gender change option newly available on Fiji Airways)

See you (too :(😜) soon, America!!

VINAKA FIJI!!!!!!(**)

(*) Unsubsidized pricing until I can somehow sleuth out whichever carrier might actually provide me some cellular service within our new Southern California Faraday Cage apartment
(**) Just kidding!!! Bula bula!!! We are going to run and hide in Yaqeta Village when the seaplane comes to drag us away and the Navutu Stars resort staff will have to come cackling along the pristine palm tree-lined path and physically pry our entitled American hands from the unbearably adorable flock of small Fijian children we have managed to adopt (or who have managed to adopt *us*, whichever comes first) in the next 3 hours